We watched our friend H finish a 10 km race this morning. It was beyond inspiring, for so many reasons, not just because he had just 'up and decided' to run this not too long ago, and only started training in January or February, though that was kind of tied into the kicker for me. The kicker was the realization that anyone can do this, therefore, why not do it? Gobsmackingly clear logic. Probably why it hasn't dawned on me so clearly before.
I was completely blown away at the energy of this event; yes, a thousand runners produce (and expend...and produce...and expend...) tons of energy, but the runner's high at the end of the race was contagious, spilling over from the runners into the non-runners...making us acutely jealous that we weren't dripping with sweat, soaking wet, totally exhausted, and grinning like a fool. I'll admit it; I wanted in. I think I might have caught something from that running nation...'cause all day I've been up, down, winning, losing, wrestling with what it means to make better. To be better. I want to be better. I suppose that's the lump of coal that drives that human condition...that we might willingly want to make ourselves better, and that we make projects, entertainment, journey out of it.
Oddly, I feel like I might understand my mother better right now, just from having typed that statement...
Anyhow, being around different people in a different situation, particularly on a groggy Sunday morning makes for some pretty good food for thought. I was over the moon for H completing his race to his standards (not to mention, totally thrilled that we somehow managed to get there just as he was running into the gates...weirdly awesome timing...) and I really enjoyed myself witnessing 1000 super happy people in one place...how often do you get to experience that...ever?And that's just it...why can't we? Why aren't we pushing ourselves harder, and congratulating others for doing the same? Or rather...why aren't I? I feel like I've been burning myself out for the past few months, but what am I accomplishing that makes me as happy as those folks this morning, with similar frequency? I used to look at runners and think "what the hell are you running away from? Or towards? Why the fuck are you doing this at all?" But now I get it. I get happy making jewelry, scoring hours in the studio, being a part of the amazingness that is Etsy, but I think that my body needs more happy. My brain can check the fuck out for all I care, but my body needs to feel like a body that works. Without pain. With clarity. I get little bites of this happy body high, but so infrequently lately. I get it when I perform, even after taking 2 hours of prep to get ready for a 4 minute dance, I get it in glimmers during a particularly good rehearsal. It's the high. The high of bettering. And I want more of it. I'm a greedy bitch, I know, I know, but really, it's time to hook me up. I want to stop feeling bad about all the stuff that I'm not doing for me, and feel high on all the stuff that I am doing for me. 'Cause everything I'm doing, I'm supposed to be doing for me...or so I have been told...
I need more hits of Better™ in my life. I need to become my own bettering dealer.
Baby steps for the rest of the day, feeling so rattled by my inner dialogue, I took my confusion, apathy, fear and insecurities and paid them less attention while I got some Antoinette work done...Felt some satisfaction in getting a ton of photography done for new uploads this week. Here's what went up this evening:
And, as always, I had my kitty photo assistant to help keep it together...you know, knocking shit over and trying to jump on my backdrops...
Also, I had forgotten to upload this pic a few weeks back when I took it. I have a terrible crush on this photo, a detail of The Sublime Strand: Blue that I uploaded to the shop at the beginning of the month. I could stare at this pic for days.
I suppose that's really all this soul-searching today has been about. Finding out about the happy place. Spending as much time there as possible. Because, really, that's all there is. It's all there ever will be. The only permanent condition: if it can be done, then why not do it?
And sometimes, it's about knowing where the happy place is, and doing the work necessary to beat a navigable path to it...